by: Captain Oblivious
1. Bret Hart and Teddy Long came out like bosom buddies and welcomed everyone to the first ever viewer’s choice Monday Night RAW. Long said that all four main eventers at Fatal Four Way would be wrestling tonight and that the viewer’s would be picking their opponents.
Randy Orton came out and demanded that Edge come out because Orton’s shoulder was still a little sore from last week and he wanted to make Edge hurt some. Teddy Long said he had an idea and whispered in Bret’s ear. After the GM’s were done with their girl time Teddy said that Randy Orton would face Edge and the live audience would decide the stipulation.
Long gave them the option of a debate, a sit-up contest or a one armed match. Since no one cares about two men doing sit-ups (unless your kinda fruity which is cool) and no one has had a good debate on Raw since Scott Steiner debated La Resistance the audience went with the one armed match.
Teddy then took up more of Bret’s mic time by announcing the first match of the night would be Chris Jericho vs. Big Show and during the commercial the viewer’s could choose between a over the top rope challenge, a submission match and a body slam challenge. Body slam challenge won the vote.
2. Big Show defeated Chris Jericho in a bodyslam challenge. Nothing special between these two. Show easily won when he slammed Jericho. He then put Jericho in his version of the camel clutch and Jericho tapped out. The just to make sure he had won all three of the choices he threw Jericho over the top rope.
The Hart Dynasty waitd in the ring to see who they would face between The Uso’s, The Dudebusters and The Great Khali and Hornswaggle. I may be the only person in America that finds The Dudebusters kind of funny. But of course Khali and Mini-Finlay won.
3. The Hart Dynasty defeated The Great Khali and Hornswaggle. Khali basically destroyed Kidd then tagged in Hornswaggle who missed the tadpole splash and Kidd pinned him. This is where the viewer’s choice has a problem because The Harts actually did nothing to Hornswaggle but people were booing them after they pinned him.
After the match the Uso’s ran out but this time it was the Hart’s getting the better of them but the crowd was already dead from seeing their favorite midget lose. Too little, too late (pun intended).
(And FYI I won’t be wasting my time typing about all of the “A-Team” skits that happened.)
We find out that Santino Marella will face off against Vladimir Koslov in either a singles match, an arm wrestling contest or a dance off. Dance off won with like 2000% of the vote.
4. Vladimir Koslov defeated Santino in a dance off. I was just happy Koslov did the Russian dance like Zangief in Street Fighter 2.
You could vote for a divas match but all the choices sucked.
5. Maryse won a 12 diva battle royal. Yep. That’s about it.
Sheamus comes out to the ring and waits for his opponent. It is between Mark Henry, Kane and Evan Bourne. 88% vote for Kane and Evan Bourne gets to sit all alone in the locker room after the great episode last week.
6. Kane defeated Sheamus by countout. Not a great match but not bad for two big guys. Neither guy should have really wrestled each other anyway because they are both in the middle of a push. But they did the right thing by having Sheamus get counted out after a chokeslam by Kane. Neither needed to take a pin.
R-Truth will have the WWE fans choose his partner and The Miz will have his partner chosen for their tag match. Fans can choose between John Morrison, MVP or Christian and between Dolph Ziggler, William Regal and Zack Ryder for The Miz’s partner. Morrison wins the vote and is Truth’s partner and Ryder is The Miz’s partner.
Woo…Woo…Woo….You know it.
7. The Miz and Zack Ryder defeated Morrison and Truth. Poor Johnny Nitro. I know he’s been injured but this isn’t exactly the welcome back he should have gotten. Dear God he needs to go back to Smackdown and fast. Michaels pins Jannetty….I mean Miz pins Morrison.
Kane keeps questioning everyone in the locker room about who attacked his brother. He confronted Sheamus earlier and questioned Bret Hart also. I think it was DDP.
8. Randy Orton defeated Edge by DQ when Edge used two arms instead of one. Yea read that sentence again and see why this feud stalled this week.
Drew McIntyre came out to face his opponent which was between Yoshi Tatsu (wow he’s still there), Goldust, and a mystery person who vaguely looked like the shadow of Matt Hardy. And by vaguely I mean he put up the V1 symbol and yelled V1! Guess who won the vote?
9. Matt Hardy defeated Drew McIntyre. This was very quick. I think Drew got in one offensive move the Hardy hit him with the Twist of Fate for the victory. Afterward Hardy continued the assault on McIntyre who is now apparently not so chosen anymore.
There was a whole deal going on all night with I.R.S. (yes as in Mike Rotundo), Ted DiBiase and Virgil that they stole Jerry Lawler’s crown and King hired The A-Team to find it. Most of it was bad. So anyway to sum it up Roddy Piper came out to take on B.A. (not Rampage Jackson mind you) just like he took out Mr. T 25 years ago.
Then Dusty Rhodes drives down on a golf cart to save the day. All this happened I sh** you not. You should just go watch it.
John Cena is in the main event tonight (cause that’s different right) and his choices of opponents are Rey Mysterio, Jack Swagger and CM Punk. All night I had already decided that most fans were morons and would vote in Mysterio so imagine my surprise when Punk won the voting. Now I care about the match.
John Cena vs. CM Punk ended in a no contest. Good back and forth match between theses two. In the past when Punk has faced Cena on Raw he has basically been fodder but here it seemed like a true main event.
As Cena has Punk up for the Attitude Adjustment Wade Barrett slowly began walking down the ramp. Cena focused on Barrett inviting him to come on in the ring. Barrett stopped just short and Michael Tarver was shown in the crowd. Then the other six NXT rookies jumped the rail and took out the SES and Punk. They all attacked Cena and then began ripping the ring apart. Skip Sheffield kick Matt Striker’s face off, then the rookies attacked Lawler and ring announcer Justin Roberts. They flipped the announce table over on Lawler and even attacked the timekeeper!
In the ring they took turns attacking Cena. Both Young and Sheffield hit sick looking clotheslines and then Barrett hit his finisher and Gabriel hit the 450 splash. The rookies left and medical personnel came down to check on Cena and Lawler. They put Cena on a stretcher and the show went black as the rolled him off.
+ The NXT rookies attacking. WOW. Simply WOW. That was so unexpected. I haven’t been that surprised on an episode of Raw since Punk won the title. I loved everything about it. Even Punk coming back in the ring to try and stop the attack made it seem more believable. I love the way they absolutely destroyed everything. The ring, the announce tables even the barraicades and ring mats. It really looked in shambles. Awesome ending.
+ Glad Zack Ryder is getting some TV love lately.
– The viewer’s choice is good on paper but sometimes it just doesn’t pan out. It was a good way to fill three hours I guess but it seemed a little meh.
– Rey Mysterio calling himself the top dog on Smackdown irked me for some reason. Especially with the world champ standing next to him and only a week after he injured the real “top dog” in a match.